I...

I've decided not to mess my head with issues concerning love and all that jazz. When the time is right, the right person would appear in front of me and brighten my whole world.

But yeah... even though I do fantasize in my head what it feels like to fall in love, having someone that makes me all warm inside, make butterflies explode in my stomach and make me feel as if I could take over the world, I don't think... I don't think that I am truly ready to be in a relationship.

Or rather... I'm afraid to be in one.

Aside from that, I'm tired of searching and pursuing. That's for sure. It's like... all the guys that I've liked never liked me back. Perhaps countless rejections is making me afraid of being rejected again.

And I am a shy and socially awkward girl to begin with...

So, despite having a bright smile on my face after being rejected, it hurts. A lot. I don't even know why I continue to confess even though I know I would end up being rejected. Maybe I'm a masochist... I don't know.

Heh, who would wanna be with someone as messed up and horny/perverted (not one person would not say that to my face) as me, right?

Ahahaha, this is silly of me. This entry is silly. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's to get the feeling off my chest cause sometimes... I wish people would stop asking me when I'm gonna couple up with someone or whether I'm currently in a relationship or stop assuming that I'm hiding my boyfriend.

Cause every time when people do that, it hurts... a lot...

I love the sunset and night sky... they help me forget about such silly matters. I also love whenever it rains. The sound of the raindrops pattering against the roof is such s soothing sound. I wish it would rain more often... I wanna try to play in the rain once. Maybe I could cry to my heart's content since it could mask me tears.

... maybe I should start being honest with the others around me.

Telling them what I like and don't like instead of enduring it with a fake smile.

Telling them to stop pushing me around just because I say 'I don't mind'.

Telling them to stop insult me as I take it with another fake smile but inside... very deep down inside, I'm hurt.

Telling them to stop taking advantage of my kindness.

Telling them to stop taking me for granted cause I'm always there.

Telling them to actually respect me.

Telling them to stop making it uncomfortable.

Telling them to stop being a fucking hypocrite since I despise those.

Telling them to stop making me pick a side whenever they fight.

Telling them to stop forcing me to teach things I already told them I don't know.

Telling them to stop forcing me to do things I really have no idea how to.

Telling them to actually care for me...

Telling them to stop hurting me with their words and actions... be it intentionally or unintentionally.Telling them to stop putting words in my mouth.

Telling them to stop assume things about me.

Telling them to stop whispering with each other while glancing in my direction.

Telling them to stop looking at me and then laugh loudly.

Telling them to leave me be when I want to be left alone.

God, I'm such a coward. I don't wanna hurt others and please them but in the end, I'm only hurting myself.

... if there's a reset button, I'll gladly press it.

Everyday I pray for something good to happen. It always does... but followed by something equally or more shitty and I always go back feeling worthless or something along that line. I feel grateful that my religion is strongly against suicide cause... well... yeah...

... in the end, I guess I'll just stick to myself and trust myself fully. Cause only I know myself best. And I know for sure that I won't betray, abandon or hurt myself.

Anyways, this will probably be the last emo post (I hope), that's for sure. From today onwards, Amelia is gonna face the world with a smile. Fake or genuine, that's up to me to decide. Cause in the end, my genuine smile is only for myself, my family and those that deserves it.

=)